


The "I Swear to God, If You Bought Those on Craigslist" Incident

by SasukeUzumaki



Series: The Incidents: Naruto and Sasuke's Strange Relationship Milestones [7]
Category: Naruto
Genre: I haven't had caffeine in ages, M/M, So Sasuke's absolutely crazy in this one, also I thank you for giving me the idea for this one, also it's 1 am, bless you, but I mean I'm actually warning you about Sasuke, it's also amazing so please give him a chance, it's amazing, it's rated T for language and some mentions of the do, it's so bad, kudos to you if you survive, written at 1 am whilst hyped on caffeine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 07:22:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14711651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SasukeUzumaki/pseuds/SasukeUzumaki
Summary: Today is absolutely perfect. Sasuke is finally attending a party as Naruto's. Things are looking up... until they're looking down, particularly at the silverware Sasuke swears he didn't sell on Craigslist after he quite clearly threatened to. It was Naruto's fault - he left, and he summoned a snow storm so he could stay away longer. He got what he deserved. But also Sasuke didn't do it. It was his evil twin, Jacinto. He swears.





	The "I Swear to God, If You Bought Those on Craigslist" Incident

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Sorry I've been dead recently - I'm working on original works at the moment. Thought I'd pop another one of these bad boys out - to relieve some tension.
> 
> I hope this one is as fun as the first two and ten thousand times better than the following ones because let's be honest they fell a little flat. This was also written around 1 AM so it's oodles of noodles!!! Also I'm crying because I had caffeine for the first time in months and it's not fun.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

This day is a day that will forever go down in history. Sasuke is sure it will be at least book 10 of his 15-volume memoir, but it will still be in there. He isn’t sure how much longer he’ll live at this point, but he figures it’s best to live a good life than live a long one.

Today is the day of the first party he will ever attend as Naruto Uzumaki’s +1.

Ah, the status of a +1, so glamourous. Uzumaki must surely love him to drag him along. Sasuke smiles contentedly.

“…are you doing that ranting in your head again?”

Sasuke looks particularly offended as his gaze moves from the wall to the student.

“N-no.” Sasuke defends himself.

“That means yes.” Another student sings out.

“No does not mean yes in any language. That’s a very big problem, thank you very much.”

“Are you saying… we should make a language where no means yes?”

“No,” Sasuke groans, “I mean it’s a problem to – never mind, what were we even going over?”

“You don’t remember?”

“No, I don’t remember. I thought that was pretty obvious by the way I asked you.”

“Some teacher you are.” A student in the back leans back in his chair.

“Yeah, you keep saying that when you fall backwards for the tenth time this week despite my various warnings.”

“I’m not going to fall.” The student mocks.

“Natural selection is going to have a hay day with you, you know that?” Sasuke mumbles.

He rolls his eyes as he struggles to remember where he left off in his lecture.

This day couldn’t get any worse, obviously, since he was going to that party tonight.

* * *

Apparently, he was wrong.

“Yeah! I haven’t actually met her, but apparently she’s Gaara’s sister, so that’s pretty neat.” Naruto roams about the bed room getting ready.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, it’s her birthday or something, but Gaara didn’t want to be left alone.”

“Mm-hmm…” Sasuke nods absentmindedly. Shit.

“Poor Gaara. He’s not a big socialite, kinda like you.”

“…maybe we shouldn’t go.” Sasuke suggests.

Naruto turns to him.

“Why not?” He approaches Sasuke, “You seemed so excited before.”

“Well,” Sasuke wracks his brain, “I’m feeling a little… ill, I’d suppose. You might have to fetch the smelling salts.”

“Stop going all 1900’s on my, Sas, what’s up?” Naruto leans against the dresser beside Sasuke.

“Nothing Is up, Naruto – I’m about to be down, in fact.”

“Sasuke, you’re going to be fine – we’re going.”

“But, have you maybe considered, maybe we… didn’t?” Sasuke purses his lips as he side-eyes Naruto.

“We’re going.”

“But –“

“Or I’m going.”

Sasuke gapes at him.

“Without you.”

Sasuke gasps.

“Well, I’d never, in all of my life,” Sasuke places a hand on his chest, “what in tarnation? What the hell do you think you’d even – ah, the nerve – the _gall –_ the sheer amount of balls it takes to say that.”

“Balls like a ball pit?”

“No, I meant testicles, dip weed.”

“Dip weed is the most –“

“ _I know it’s stupid I’m not thinking straight_!” Sasuke hisses.

“You never are.”

“Yeah – well – you have a point.” Sasuke mumbles.

“Dude, Sas, _chill._ Whatever ants are in your pants will vacate them once we’re there.”

“…if you insist.”

Naruto makes for the door.

“If you went alone, you wouldn’t summon another snow storm, would you?”

“Get your ass over here, Sasuke.”

“Alright.”

* * *

 

The party is going well. Food and drinks had been served, people are wobbling everywhere drunk, and Sasuke gets to bask in the witnessing of various “hold my beer” moments.

Ah, yes, this is mighty fine indeed.

Naruto approaches Sasuke.

“I told you that you had nothing to worry about.”

“Yeah, looks like I’m fine.”

They watch the people in the vast back yard underneath the stars. It could’ve been romantic if they weren’t currently watching people drunkenly stumble about.

“I have no idea why she insists on having these parties.”

Sasuke glares at Gaara.

“Excuse me, who are you speaking to?”

“Down, Sasuke,” Naruto places a hand on Sasuke’s arm, “he’s a friend.”

“I thought we had already established how I felt about friends.”

“Hey, Kiba’s pretty cool – I thought you liked him.”

“You thought wrong.”

“Is he always like this?” Gaara asks.

“Yes, always.”

“Stop talking to him.” Sasuke whines.

“Sasuke,” Naruto kisses him on the forehead, “I love you so much, but you’re being a little whiney bitch. Imma need you to take the crazy down a notch.”

“Oh, hon, this bitch dial goes to 10 and I’m on a straight 70 at all times,” Sasuke replies, “…but I could maybe consider taking it down to a 69, maybe even a 68.99999 _8_ for you. Because I love you.”

“That’s… so thoughtful of you, Sasuke.” Naruto says, completely unassured.

“I know. I am _the_ most thoughtful man in existence.” Sasuke nods his head in agreement with himself.

“And humble, too.” Gaara comments.

Sasuke turns to say something snarky back but sees Naruto and thinks twice.

“…maybe I can take it to a 50?”

“50’s much better, thank you.” Naruto pats Sasuke’s head.

Sasuke tenses as Naruto talks with Gaara. He needs to be on his best behavior or this night ain’t gonna be fun.

* * *

More and more and more food is being brought out. Sasuke begins to sweat as he sees guests drop plate after plate, cup after cup, fork… after fork… after fork… after fork.

Sasuke gulps nervously.

“What’s up in sauce land?” Naruto slides up to him.

“Well, there’s mustard,” Sasuke winces as he sees a fork dropped and another picked up from the table, “…and the forecast is calling for massive amounts of ketchup.”

Naruto ponders this for a moment.

“…I don’t know what that means.”

“Hopefully you won’t.”

Naruto looks at Sasuke cautiously.

“Sasuke.”

“Yes, dear, sweet sunshine, the love of my life that I’d never do wrong ever and if you think I did then you’re a terrible person and I can’t believe what you might accuse me of like really honest to God I cannot believe this and I’m already offended by what you have done in this hypothetical situation and now you’ve upset me nice going _asshole.”_

Naruto stands in place, blinking quickly as he attempts to process the very long winded but surprisingly fast speech.

“What am I hypothetically going to do?”

Sasuke is keeping a watch on the table. The forks are now gone.

“We have to leave.”

“…what?”

“We have to leave,” Sasuke grabs Naruto’s arm, “we have to go. We have to leave the country, change our names,” Sasuke desperately tries to tug Naruto towards the exit, “buy secondhand faces off the black market!”

“What in god’s name is _wrong_ Sasuke?” Naruto asks.

The real silverwear is brought out.

“Everything! Everything is wrong! There are,” Sasuke’s eyes dart around the room, “men. Hitmen. From the moon. I couldn’t tell you, I really wanted to, but they’d have killed me sooner! But now they look quite blood thirsty and… a little famished? Anyways, we _have_ to leave or we’ll be eaten alive by moon men.”

“Jesus Christ, Sasuke –“

“MOON MEN, NARUTO! MOON MEN! DO YOU NOT KNOW THE MOON MEN?” Sasuke exclaims as he looks behind Naruto.

“No, I don’t! What the fuck –“

“Hey, guys, is something wrong?”

Sasuke’s face can, apparently, get paler than it usually is.

“M-moon men?”

Naruto turns to Temari.

“I’m sorry, he’s a little, uh, how do I say this?” Naruto looks at Sasuke who’s downright petrified, “He’s a crazy bitch, honestly.”

“Oh, I know you!”

Sasuke’s eyes go wide at the comment, “No you don’t. I’ve never met you in my life. In fact, this is my first day in this country – on this planet, even. Also, I’m deaf, and blind, and I don’t even know what you just said because it’s impossible because I’m deaf and blind.”

Temari turns to Naruto.

“He’s always like this?”

“Yes, unfortunately.”

“He wasn’t like this when I met him.”

“I JUST SAID I’VE NEVER MET YOU IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!” Sasuke exclaims, “I have an evil twin that runs around here! Jacinto, maybe you’ve met him, swell guy except he’s FUCKING EVIL AND DOES LITERALLY EVERYTHING I WOULDN’T DO! Everything I wouldn’t do, did you hear that, Naruto? He does everything I wouldn’t do.”

Temari is physically leaning back from the sheer force of Sasuke’s statements.

A guest walks by them. Naruto stares blankly at their plate.

“Yeah, but Jacinto has a mustache. You can’t really see it, since he’s an albino and it’s white and we’re both very white. He dies his hair the same color as mine.”

“…I see.”

“Yeah. He also has buck teeth, but apparently you can cover that up with makeup –“

“That’s some mighty fine silverware you’ve got there.” Naruto glares at Sasuke, “and I swear to god, you better not have bought those on Craigslist.”

“Yes, that’s where I got them! You’re, uh, friend sold them to me.”

Naruto stares at Sasuke expectantly.

“What do you want, a damn poem filled with all of my woes and my worst fears about selling your silverware on Craigslist when I _told_ you I would if you left and then you summoned a fucking snow storm so _obviously_ Imma sell that shit except I _didn’t_ and it was actually _Jacinto,_ my albino, buck toothed, swell guy but technically evil twin that does literally everything I wouldn’t do?” Sasuke asks, “Really? Because I think that’s mighty unrealistic.”

“Wait…” Temari laughs, “this is your silverware?”

“Yes, it is.”

“It _was,_ ” Sasuke corrects him, “but I sold – I mean, _Jacinto_ sold them on Craigslist, so they now belong to this nice lady, whose name I’ve never heard in my entire life because I don’t actually know what the fuck Craigslist is or what the internet is and actually I live in a tube with a plant.”

Naruto quirks a brow at him.

“It’s a lovely plant. Her name is Rosemary.”

“You have a rosemary plant?” Temari asks.

“Well, actually, it’s cilantro, but the name cilantro is literally so stupid, plus why would I name her _cilantro_ if she _is_ cilantro? It’s like your mother naming you human. That’s fucking weird.”

“You know what’s fucking weird?” Naruto asks, “Me. Apparently I fuck weird.”

“Hey,” Sasuke says, “I’m the good kind of weird though. Like the “so fucking weird that if they made a montage of just the footage of the most mundane parts of my life and sold it as a box set they’d make literal billions because I’m that weird”, not the “I named my fucking child human” weird.”

Naruto covers his face with his hands.

“Jesus shit, Naruto.” Temari chuckles.

“I have… no words. I’m in love with this thing.”

“And I’m in love with this thing,” Sasuke grabs Naruto’s sleeve, “he once though I was going to murder him with a hairbrush.”

“I didn’t know it was a hairbrush. And besides, you thought I was about to initiate you in a cult.”

“That was literally the weirdest way to ask for sex, Naruto. At least I didn’t try to get it on in the school, after hours or not.”

“You called me daddy. We weren’t even dating.”

“It was a slip of the tongue –“

“How do you slip from Naruto or Uzumaki to daddy?” Naruto asks incredulously.

“I don’t know! I just did! I’m not into that shit!”

They both stare at each other for a few moments.

“…wanna go make out in the car?” Sasuke asks.

“Only if we use the unicorn blanket.”

“God, you know I hate that fucking blanket…” Sasuke considers the proposition, “those terms are agreeable, I guess, but we only use the blanket if it comes to sex.”

“Oh, something will be coming, and there will be sex involved.”

“Wonderful, let’s go.”

They race out of the house, leaving Temari behind.

“…they’re made for each other.”

* * *

 

 

“So that’s why you didn’t want to go to the party?” Naruto asks.

“What?”

“Why you didn’t want to go to the party. Because you sold my silverware to Temari.”

“I can’t believe you have hard feelings about that.”

“I’ve been using plastic silverware for months, Sasuke, I’m a little annoyed.”

“Inconvenienced, yes,” Sasuke says, “but it wasn’t me that did it.”

“Really?” Naruto asks, “Then who did?”

“Jacinto.”

Naruto stares at Sasuke blankly, with a slight hint of murderous rage.

“I’ll throttle you.”

Sasuke grins.

“Choke me, daddy.”


End file.
